Rebels Immediately Regret Seizing Power In Zambia

Rebels Immediately Regret Seizing Power In Zambia

The Onion

Rebels Immediately Regret Seizing Power In Zambia

LUSAKA, ZAMBIA—"None of the blood that filled our streets nor the carnage that choked our citied could have prepared us for these pathetic annual GDP figures," said former rebel and new head of state Uwimana Kowry.

"After months of combat, the United Deliverance Front has this morning taken command of one of Africa's most beleaguered nations, installing itself as the supreme ruler over 11 million desperate, ailing, and angry citizens. Dear Jesus, what the hell were we thinking?"

The mood among UDF soldiers quickly worsened when they realized it was up to them to pick up the pieces after a very recent and destructive uprising.

"And to think we were so proud to catch government forces in [the city of] Harbel by surprise," UDF General Gahiji Boshoso said. "Those lucky bastards were probably just as relieved as they were shocked that anyone would want to be in charge of such a nightmarish wasteland. Even parts of Nigeria are better than this, and that's one of the worst countries on earth."

"Would it have killed us to take over Estonia instead—you know, a country with running water?"

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6 Response to "Rebels Immediately Regret Seizing Power In Zambia"

  1. Anonymous 6/12/06 08:21
    what can i say earl, you're truly one sick puppy.
  2. west_rhino 6/12/06 08:22
    Howard Rich is behind this conspiracy to privatize Zambia's schools and seize thier collections of Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons on LP....

    ;-)
  3. Moye 6/12/06 22:45
    I was told today at the Florence airport that I would have to spend about a month on the dark continent next year. Wonder if I can get me a country. It is just a matter of time before some corporation or rich person does this. Just wait and see.
  4. Howard Rich conspirator 7/12/06 10:44
    dern moye, that might take you off eligibility to donate blood though the Red Cross.

    Aviation in mind, I understand that the future James B Clyburn International Airport expects to offer direct flights to Havanna, Caracas and Entebbe...
  5. Moye 7/12/06 11:58
    Wonder where the James B Clyburn International Airport will be built or will they just change the name of Columbia or Charleston airports. Maybe even Florence.
  6. howard rich conspirator 8/12/06 09:25
    We hear that ther might be a field in the southern end of the 6th district that is prime for flights from Colombia and the Yucatan, maybe even bringing in fine Cuban weed...

    just stay upwind when they burn the evidence

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