State Treasurer candidate passes drug test

To help address concerns about drug use in state government, political blogger, head-banger and State Treasurer candidate Earl Capps volunteered to take a drug test, sharing the results with his supporters and news media in a press conference.

See y'all, I'm clean. I spend all my money on 80's heavy metal CDs, my kids, high South Carolina taxes, and of course, Green Bean museums. After all that, I can't afford a drug habit. If this state's tax system was ever overhauled, you can bet more South Carolinians would find their productive potential freed to have the kind of drug lifestyle that most people could only dream of having.

He also announced that several bands had expressed interest in performing at his inaugural ball, as well as his re-election campaign event, should he be appointed, and they get out of rehab. "Some of these bands will work for almost nothing", he said. "Except for Quiet Riot. That Kevin Dubrow wanted us to throw in a membership for the Hair Club for Men so he could get a better wig."

To explain the test, the bars only turn colors if the subject has not done the drug in question. A positive result would result in no color change:





The "C" bars at the top are the controls, to indicate the test was working properly while the other six test for specific drug usage. The six drug test bars are as follows:

COC - Cocaine (or College of Charleston, according to some)
THC - Marijuana
mAMP - Meth/Crystal Meth
OPI - Opiates/Heroin
PCP - Duuuhhh
AMP - Amphetamines

9 Response to "State Treasurer candidate passes drug test"

  1. Anonymous 1/8/07 02:02
    i'm disappointed in you earl. i thought you were toking with the best of them.
  2. Anonymous 1/8/07 02:04
    was that the actual test you took?
  3. I think we need a second opinion 1/8/07 02:05
    Ha, ha! Looks like you used the pro-wrestling drug test as I did not see a teast for anabolic steriods or human growth hormones. I predict roid rage after the GA elects one of it's own which seems interesting concerning the following:
    SECTION 8-13-930. Seeking or offering pledges of votes for candidates.
    No candidate for an office elected by the General Assembly may seek directly the pledge of a member of the General Assembly's vote until the qualifications of all candidates for that office have been determined by the appropriate joint committee to review candidates for that office. No member of the General Assembly may offer a pledge until the qualifications of all candidates for that office have been determined by the appropriate joint committee to review candidates for that office.

    Then , there is the PSC ruling. I guess the ethics commission is dead.
  4. Earl Capps 1/8/07 02:43
    actually, since i work in the construction industry, we just test for the presence of the standard illegal drugs. this is the test i use on employees for pre-hire, post-accident and on-site random screens.

    this gives me results in a matter of minutes.

    but in reading the language of Section 930, it seems to only apply if the position in question is pending review by a duly-appointed review committee. i don't think that candidates for this position required pre-screening before a legislative vote.

    if they had, do you think i'd have been found to be a qualified candidate?

    apparently, they won't let us test for commonly-abused prescription drugs anymore. something to do with HIPA and patient privacy and all that.
  5. Anonymous 1/8/07 10:13
    dude, speaking of illegal substances, where's that hot chick you've been partying with?
  6. Anonymous 1/8/07 15:30
    coc is a collective catch-all for the wide assortment of drugs one might encounter while at the college of charleston.

    sorry earl, but your school is full of stoners and party animals. you didn't think they traveled from so far away to actually learn, did you?
  7. Demanding a ReTest 1/8/07 15:35
    Earl,

    Congratulations! We knew you'd stick to your campaign promise.

    Tell us again how badly you want that job. And, how many times did you take that test to pass it?

    Check the link. :) The set up is a little long but worth a listen.

    http://www.funnyville.com/funny-sounds/drugtest.html
  8. minneapolis moye 1/8/07 20:42
    I did survive the bridge collapse today over the mississippi river in minneapolis. I crossed the bridge less than 30 minutes before it collapsed I 35 W . Seems like the MDOT had just passed a inspection on it. Maybe they should drug test them.
  9. Anonymous 2/8/07 13:54
    if you aint hiuh you dont win ty

    loosen up cracker

    ty

Post a Comment

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts!

To post a comment without having a Blogger account, select "Name/URL", put your name in, but leave the URL line blank. Email me if you'd like to comment, but need help making it work.